8 yrs in and I can feel progress. This is absolutely ONLY for scaredy pusses - rock gods please scroll on by as there is nothing to see here.
I had a day fighting Stanage diffs on Sunday, finished a pals lead then on my lead panicked like a demented octopus, sticking all my limbs into any available crack! Whilst demented octopus is unlikely to catch on, given I could neither see anything below my elbows or actually move, these days I could have a word with myself, swear a lot and then carry on. In a world of mind boggling grades that hardly sounds amazing but it is, it amazes me. I've cried and frozen on a wide variety of rock, I've retched whilst stuck fast atop a sport climb, attracted crowds wondering why anyone that scared would have set sail in the first place, if climbing is 90% head game I should have quit - maybe I would have done if I hadn't spawned a child mad keen.
7 years ago, if invited outside I would give fair warning 'I'm rubbish, you will be both disappointed and frustrated', mostly people took heed but thankfully some climbers are stubborn and like a challenge. For 2 yrs I just seconded, badly and with much counselling. By yr 3 (I think) I started to lead and realised as I was terrified anyway it was less different than for people operating logically - and it involved TOYS!
I developed a fine climbing rack with a little help from pals, it's a scared person's rack, it has something for everything and I take all of it - always.
Eventually I had some good days outdoors as opposed to the same predictable groundhog day. I stopped thinking I should give up. I'm not sure when but I was eventually able to fall off on a top rope (HUGE milestone!), a few years later I could be lowered off (I remember someone remarking on my courage finishing climbs years earlier - they did not grasp that I had no choice as I was too scared to go down on a rope!).
I found a niche, a patient (and quite good) belayer, this saw me out and about in a climbing crew and it meant I could pay back patience given me. And I have kept leading.
I've led a few HVDs and even looked seriously at a severe the other day (obviously not at stanage where Diffs were mocking me!).
Most of all I love outdoor trad now, and silly nights outdoor bouldering. I love it so much more than indoor, I feel at home belaying up every tom dick and harry who wants my rope after a lead. Grades mean nothing because I know when I have won a battle I would have lost 5 yrs ago, even if it is just getting my poop together after gong demented octopus on a diff!
If I had to choose between starting the way I started or being good, being able to retain some dignity, then (and now when I'm scared enough) I would want to be good but now, almost all the time, even on a not so good day I wouldn't swap because I feel so bloody happy every time I manage to step above my gear, I feel every molecule of pleasure moving round an arete, my day is made with a canny tricam placement. I love climbing, I love rock, especially gritstone. And I want to spend more time at Stanage.
Hopefully someone out there gets something from reading this. There are so many really cool people here and brilliant climbers - I've written it because I'd have wanted t read it 8 yrs ago.